| This Just In: Cleveland Has Exclusive Clubs | ||
| M Warzel | ||
CLEVELAND, OH – I know. I couldn’t believe it myself. I just saw a report on both Channel 3 and
Action News this week regarding Cleveland’s finest and exclusive hotspots for the celebs and big wigs. Yeah right, right? Well, it’s
right; Oh baby is it right! And it’s hoooooot! It’s a mixture of a lukewarm and caffeine-free diet Cheerwine. So look out,
‘cause Cleveland is knocking on the doors of the world and letting everyone know that they’re invited to a party -- so long as they fall in the top tier of the
super upper class. Or at least had a one hit wonder. Never has Cleveland seen the likes of such greats like Lil’ Bow Wow, the Sisters Duff,
and the Brothers Carter sweep through this city since the days of Rick Springfield and Tommy Tutone. Well, call me crazybeans, but I think we got
it back. Cleveland’s invitation to the celebs comes with a full backbone of support. “We tried to jazz up the local bars already in place, you
see,” announced a spokesperson for the Cleveland Planning & Development camp. “We then decided, ‘Hey! Let’s just go build some bars
in places no one can see. You know, a speakeasy-cabaret-casino-bar and grille-nightclub-disco-discotheque-private club-type.’ At first, we
thought of patenting the idea, but then decided it would just be too much work.” I was invited for a night out at one of these nightspots, via Ted
Danson (old chum and Ted owes me one for a cover-up I assisted in involving a dead crack dealer, a statue of a black baby Jesus, a baby seal and a
tow-motor back in the Cheers days), and instead of going into a long descriptive anecdote, let me just catalog the event for you:
After we headed out of that club, we proceeded to the second social establishment. You mean, it’s not over? NO WAY BIZNITCHES! As I approached the smoke-filled corridor where the entrance sat, I realized that I was actually below sea level. It was right then that I realized who I saw in the distance. It was R. fucking Kelly! I ran up to him like a gay teenage boy in a butcher shop and quickly dispersed my opinion to him about how awesomely gay that In the Closet music video hip-hopera was and that I wanted to buy some of the crack that he was on when he came up with that idea and the crack he had when he actually went through with the whole production of the awful project. Much to my disbelief, it was the same crack for both. He then sold me some and I don’t remember what happened from there. I awakened in R. Kelly’s zucchini patch with a circus clown, a Chinese tourist and a panda bear. R. Kelly woke up in the shed with 2 male midgets. At least, I thought they were midgets. But they were male. Hmmmmm…Sorry, I was thinking out loud. Anyways... Currently, accusations are being uncovered regarding the recent transaction of the Cavaliers’ partial owner, “Usher” Raymond IV. It is said that because of this transaction by the Ush to purchase a part of the Cavaliers, more and more of the elite are coming to the show. When we asked Usha Usha what he thinks about the idea that it’s LeBron James who is spearheading the movement for all the attention and the main reason why superstardom is now being attracted back into Cleveland, which directly placed a shift in the limelight due to a Forward, he responded, “No way. It’s because of me. Just look at these moves. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah..Yeah, Yeah. Yeah!” As we approached the many involved with this allegation, we noticed that everyone was being a little too cold about the subject. When asked about Usher’s influence, mayor of Cleveland, Frank Jackson, left us with an original “No annotation.” After I had looked up the word, I realized that Frank Jackson was original and I was glad he was smarter than he had looked on camera. We also asked a few of the other players in the locker room what they thought and it was concluded that it wasn’t due to either LeBron or Usher, but because of the exclusive clubs. “Peeps wanna bounce. So, now theys have places like dat in C-town to bizzy! Oh, and fuck hot white chicks. Yeaaaaaaaah...OK!What! Hahahahahahaha,” was the response from fellow team-mate, Zydrunas Ilgauskas. “I’ve been to an exclusive club once in L.A. and it is nothing like this! Cleveland is the new L.A.,” added Strength-and-Conditioning Coach for the Cavs, Stan Kellers. That’s good enough for me. BiraBiraBiotch. |
| Arrogant Teachers On the Rise |
| M Warzel |
| CLEVELAND, OH – A new survey in this month’s TIME explained that the new breed of teacher is non-existent to that of a 1950’s educator. The ability to translate such languages as Ebonics, Jive, and Spanish (pending location) has been the main catalyst in this change. In the past, typically teachers would only be required to understand one principal language: English. Now, professors are compelled to learn a supplementary language amid the above-mentioned; i.e., Portuguese. That makes a total of two required languages and at least one territorial language needed for the educationalist to be qualified to educate. A written proficiency test has been implemented and is required by state to be undertaken should a post-graduate aspire entering into the educational field. This test comprises trivia pertaining to the multi-cultural languages as well as French Canadian history. It has been said that the test though is racially un-bias towards the African-American community and protestors have been marching outside of the senate offices since yesterday’s A.M. With the declining popularity of education, officials have been circling in debates to seek out logical ways to keep teachers’ expectations to a minimum and the enrollment of students to teeming. When asked about results, representative from the Board of Education Anita Hoare answered, “Nothing yet.” The increase in arrogant teachers is at an all-time peak and speculation is claiming it’s due to the recent initiation of the bi-lingual demand. “Most of the cool teachers really don’t know other languages, and therefore we are left to choose a candidate that is smarter, but snootier,” explains superintendent Rick Cuttingedge from the Cleveland district. “These teachers are also becoming court room reporters or entrepreneurs in the craft industry,” harks Phillip Herbox, a social studies teacher at Harlem’s prestigious Harlem High School. She continued with, “it’s not fair to be able to have two jobs when the old teachers don’t even have one. I think it’s because of whitey.” |
| Brittany Murphy Loses Weight, And Respect |
| M Warzel |
| LOS ANGELES - The results are in. After 1 day of research at the University Hospital Center of Tirana in Tirana, Albania, scientists finally discovered that due to heavy drug abuse, Brittney Murphy’s acting talent has officially deceased. “Although her level of the chemical Dansguteselluck (i.e., the chemical within the actor’s brain that allows for the ability to skillfully entertain) was substantially low to begin with,” said Director of Psychiatric-Mental Health Dr. Jambunathan Mangalampally at the Institute. It seems that her dosage levels of the drugs Phencyclidine, Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, Desoxyn, Diacetylmorphine, Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, and Cocaine Hydrochloride exceeded that of the amount limited within chosen ones’ brains. “We have also seen this with David Arquette,” explains Dr. Laloo Meenakshisundaram at the famed Cleveland Clinic Research Center. No skills were displayed in Clueless, and yet how hard is it to play an outcast turned popular? Isn’t that how it is for an actress? Her role electrified those that are blind, deaf and from Brooklyn. In Just Married, it didn’t matter because the movie sucked. In the astounding Frank Miller’s Sin City, the role was salvaged by the surrounding counterparts; and “we all just kinda blew it (bad acting by Murphy) off and felt we couldn’t re-shoot so we printed it knowing we were hiding a lie deep within… But it did allow me to own the cheesy love scenes,” explains Marshall Mathers on the making of 8 Mile. Her rapid weight loss a few years ago has also been attributed by the drug addiction. “I remember when she was fat,” explains her past hot counterpart Stacey Dash. “Yeah,” added Alicia Silverstone, when both were interviewed recently at a release party for the DVD “Clueless: The Whatever Edition.” Another recent interview at the VHS release party of Don’t Say a Word in Toronto, Canada with former confederate, Michael Douglas showed Douglas saying, “she would come in high and she would nail the parts. I would tell her she should stop and try to do it sober. We both knew that would be impossible. You know I discovered it when I saw her blowing the key grip for coke.” Recently some pictures were surfacing showing ex-supermodels Janice Dickenson and Kate Moss exiting Murphy’s apartment with a variety of men nightly, sometimes twice an hour. There are also some videos displaying the three blowing cocaine lines off of men’s cocks and having some African American men do the same off their titties and both sets of lippies. |
| Eating Cancer May Be The Only Cure For Popozao Fever |
| M Warzel |
| LOS ANGELES - With new release of his smash hit single PopoZăo topping the charts in the North Pole and Neverland, Kevin Federline has finally emerged as a force to reckon with in the music industry. His “Jamaican rump shaker” beats are sure to get any party ended. The slow-witted Federline has always seen himself as a sure-shot success, but critics are eager to him write-off as the next Mozart, but black. PopoZăo fever is a recent rising epidemic in the villages surrounding Honduras. It is quickly spreading and some virologists are even exclaiming, “PopoZăo fever might even hit the US sometime around never. ”Although some researchers will say being hearing-impaired is the only way to cure PopoZăo fever, eating cancer remains the #1 treatment in the highly-affected regions. The symptoms of PopoZăo fever include sudden urges to utter Barbara Streisand hooks, a newfound preference in track-lighting, and a discovered hatred towards meat. A growing number of fans have also known to become increasingly ill as the song draws near a close. Federline has been quoted with reasoning towards this accusation by saying, “I think it’s because of my incredible talent. People can’t seem to follow the intelligence behind my words, so they get whirl-winded by my great beats. Do you guys validate that parking garage?” |
| NFL Draft Cancelled |
| M Warzel |
| NEW YORK CITY - Accusations that have been buzzing owners’ offices and coach’s meeting rooms have finally been confirmed. This year’s NFL draft has been cancelled. NFL commissioner, Paul John Tagliabue (pronounced “cut-the-steer”), opted the NFL draft is no longer a benefit for a franchise due to the recently lacking caliber of player being showcased. “These players never hit the ground running. And in some cases, he (Kellen Winslow) won’t even play for 1, 2, sometimes even 3 years later,” explained Cleveland Browns’ veteran punter Kyle Richardson. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerrel Jones exclaims, “I never liked the draft to begin with,” while co-owner of the San Francisco 49ers Denise DeBartolo York added, “A lot of the times, these greenhorns even needed summer camps to prepare them for the NFL level of play. That’s ridiculous!” Although majority of owners did concur to dissolve of the draft last year, it seems the league finally thrusted the ruling through after final union negotiations arose to an agreement between the NFLPA and owners. The decree yesterday affirmed the initial determination of case # CTOWN-024. This case allowed for owners to grant eligibility status to players who were over 65. A spokesman for former NFL Wide Receiver Rae Carruth disclosed the following statement from the Carruth camp: “I think it’ll be a good thing for guys who don’t feel like just playing golf. They get bored; especially if they’re not hitting their irons well.” Former Defensive End Leonard Little also included, “I agree with the rule. I don’t like when rookies came in and became starters. It’s not fair for the other players; especially the vets." Appeals have been made by former Ohio State Running Back Maurice Clarett and that case will begin next week. The claimant explains, “I don’t know why really. My lawyer called me and asked ‘do you wanna try to win some money’ and I responded ‘yes,’ so now we’re going to trial this week with the union.” All in the midst of still waiting a trial date for his current allegation of aggravated-robbery. Although the NFL draft will no longer exist, an online NFL.com consensus illustrated fans agreement with the regulation and one comment was “now I can actually plan other things that weekend. I hated how I had to stare at reporters for 2 days. At least just keep it to 1 round." Tagliabue finished his statement with optimism about the new law and closed with, “I think this will be a big hit with the kids and we just signed Tom Dempsey out of retirement. That should be pretty cool to see a little bit of physical diversity out there.” |
| Howie Mandel Overextends His 15 Min of Fame to 60 Min |
| M Warzel |
| BURBANK, CA - Never since Little Monsters has Howie Mandel experienced such a high degree of fame and exposure, until the ground-breaking hit reality TV game show, Let’s Make a Deal. As untalented and skill-set lacking as the host, Let’s Make a Deal re-surfaced Mandel’s lackluster career. Confirming viewers’ accusations about his sexuality preference, his brass pirate earrings and well-lubed bald head left no one perplexed any longer. From hillbilly hot-shots to hot dog-loving financial analysts, any type of Wal-Mart going mid-westerner is welcomed with warmth on Howie’s set. “He was handing out free copies of US Weekly magazine with him in it. I never get free magazines anywhere!” said Tonya, a waste water treatment operator, from Onancock, WV. “He even let me listen to the rehearsal phone calls to the banker. It was a bowlful of blooper laughs! That Howie really gets it!” said Clint, a local horseback cavern tour guide, from Horse Cave, KY. Another high bar that producers have set is for the part of the “briefcase beauty”. These women need to be up to Howie’s standards, as he is the main talent coordinator for this role. “He pulled out his dingy at the first audition and I admired how genuine and sincere he was!”said current briefcase “number 13” beauty, Candy Tossgreen. Energized with his renewed success, Howie Mandel closed his speech at last week’s ratings party with, “This time I’m puttin’ some money away! Just as soon as I buy back my yacht.” The crowd chuckled sympathetically. |