| Awful Commercials of the Month |
 Awesome Marc the "Norton Furniture Guy" |
Patio Enclosures Idiot Broad |
Andrews Cycles Moron Who No One Wants to Be Like |
Sofa Express Asshole Who Is So Annoying and Doesn't Know Shart |
Those Cheesy "Car Guys" Who Don't Know Dick About Cars |
hh gregg gguys. ssimply mmoronns |
Yaz! Birth Control Gals Who Talk Regularly Like Walking Billboards |
| There's a Big Difference Between |
| Aquafina and the Rest of the Water World This shit tastes like a yayo'ed out Louie Anderson's ball sweat after having been paraded around in mesh shorts wearing no underwear for 32 straight hours.  |
| Hostess Ho-Hos ($3.21) and Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls ($.98) Ho-Hos taste much better. Choosing Swiss would be like choosing to keep the brown part of your asshole when you could receive a free bleaching. Although, that shit's weird (insert fart noise).  |
| Drinking liquids through sipping straws and doing it the regular drinking way If you drink it, it quenches your thirst much more. Just think about your whole mouth getting filled with the fresh, delicious treat as opposed to just your throat.  |
| Dank and Schwag One's $20 and other is $50 for the 8-track. One causes headaches while the other makes you forget what your head is. One works sometimes and other is guaranteed (comes with a box of shit with a "Guarantee" mark on it). One can get sold in the place of the other if you can find the right college kids. Oh! And tell the brothers in East Cleveland that I'm not one of those college kids.  |
| Stand-up and standing up About 98.7% of the world does the latter while a 987th of that doing the former. You can't really be good at the latter, although I've been proven wrong about that once. I saw someone who was so good at the latter that I told him he should try the former, because he would win over the audiences so quick just by doing the latter. Man that guy was good at standing up!  |
| Being talented and working hard having the best agent within your industry. Rover is so bad.  |
| Recipes of the Week |
| Tuna Twinkie Soufflé | |
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| Ingredients | Directions |
| 1) Tbl rendered chicken fat, divided 2) 12 Hostess Twinkies 3) SaltWhite Pepper 4) 1/2 tsp dry mustard 5) 4 eggs, separated 6) 2 cans tuna in oil, drained, reserve oil |
1) Preheat oven to 350 F 2) Grease a 7-inch soufflé dish with 1 tsp of chicken fat and 1 tsp tuna oil 3) Slice Twinkies in half lengthwise 4) Remove and reserve cream filling 5) In a large food processor, combine Twinkie cakes, half of the Twinkie filling, and the remaining chicken fat and tuna oil 6) Blend until the mixture has reached the consistency of a thin batter 7) Transfer ingredients to a medium saucepan and cook over low heat 8) Stir in salt, white pepper, and mustard. Remove from heat 9) Beat in egg yolks, one at a time, beating thoroughly after each addition 10) Fold in tuna 11) In a medium bowl, beat egg whites until stiff but not dry 12) Fold beaten egg whites into tuna mixture 13) Pour into greased soufflé dish 14) Bake in 350 oven 40 to 45 minutes, or until puffed and golden brown 16) Top with remaining Twinkie cream 17) Serve with a tossed salad |
| Cow Udder Eclairs | |
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| Ingredients | Directions |
| 1) 12 fresh lean cow udders 2) 1 pint of whipping cream 3) 1 cup of brown sugar 4) 1 can artichoke hearts 5) 1 stick butter 6) 1 small filleted smelt 7) 1 container of Nair |
1) Soak the cow udders in Nair to remove the hair 2) Repeat several times if necessary until all hair is removed 3) Rinse in warm water 4) Place a stick of butter into a warm frying pan 5) Wait until all of the butter has melted, then add the cow udders 6) Fry them for 15-20 minutes until golden brown 7) Chop the artichoke hearts and smelt on a cutting board into fine pieces 8) In a large bowl, add the whipping cream, brown sugar and the chopped artichokes and smelt 9) With a mixer on low, whip until creamy with a consistency like vanilla pudding 10) Remove the udders from the pan and make a long slice down the side of each udder 11) Spread the pudding mixture into each slit 12) Serve with a tossed salad |
| Absurd Patents |
| Quick Draw McGraw : US Patent: 2004 |
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| We've all done it. We've missed cell phone calls because our phone was in our pocket or purse and we just couldn't answer it before it went to voice mail. Slow pokeys. Or is that slow poki? Anyways, so our inventor came up with this handy solution, akin to the old "gun up the sleeve" trick of yore. It's the Quick Draw McGraw, and with the flick of your wrist, your cell phone will slide and glide into the palm of your hand on it's telescoping track, making you the fastest phone west of the Pecos. And just as quickly, once the call is completed, your phone pops back to it's wrist resting position. |
| Bold Moves |
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| Office Culture For The Saps In Us | |
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| Company | Neiman-Marcus, Verizon, Drexel University, Timberland, Price Waterhouse Coopers, NBC, Ritz Carlton Hotels, Wachovia Securities |
| Punchline | Massages @ Work 4 FREE! |
| Supplier | Relax & Rejuvenate |
| The Pitch | "The Relax & Rejuvenate corporate massages makes an ideal reward for your staff and a great idea for employee appreciation week. Whether stress-relieving seated chair massage or time-saving manicures, bringing wellness to your employees will improve productivity, boost morale and reduce health care costs and turnover. The morale boosting effect extends to the entire office in seeing their co-workers rejuvenated!" |
| What I Think | What a great way to blow off a few 20-minute blocks everyday, on top of the shitbreaks in the sap world, and get a couple cheap thrills (pending the masseuse). Now you know why we have natural disasters. |
| Enforced Happiness Sightings |
     
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| The Simpletons M.Warzel |
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| Marc's is for Funners Only! M.Warzel |
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| Totally Terry M.Warzel |
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| Dank Nugs of Info |
 
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| Nipple Sightings |
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| Awesome Advertising |
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| ClevelandClowns is for Hillbillies |
      
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| Now you know why we have natural disasters. |
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| Stupid Phases # 4 |
| Granny Glasses, or Ben Franklin glasses, were first seen in California around 1965. A few months later, they were on such famous faces as John Lennon and The Byrds. Created by Roger McGuinn, these glasses were both fit for sunglasses and prescription glasses and the small half-frames were a staple for the Mod fashion dress. Granny glasses could be accompanied by "granny skirts" - baggy, ankle length skirts. As with most fashion trends, the craze came to a quick end in 1967. |
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| Print Model of the Week | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Alexi (29) from New York, NY | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Get to Know the Director | |
| Todd Phillips | Comedic genius. Plus he writes everything too! |
| John Landis | A trail-blazer for comedic film. |
| David Lynch | Bizarre, uneasy feeling with great camera shots. He also writes everything. |
| Harold Ramis | Besides the best golf movie ever, this comedy legend has the acting, and mainly writing skills set locked down. |
| Adam McKay | (see Todd Phillips) Plus he's Will Farrell's writing partner. |
| Francis Ford Coppola | Not just because of the Godfater trilogy, but also the greatest war movie ever. |
| Dennis Dugan | He's awful at acting, but Saving Silverman is enough for me. His upcoming feature with Sandler / Smigel / Apatow sounds hilarious. |
| Billy Wilder | Another great one who also wrote his flicks. He also outlived most of the actors he directed. |
| Richard Donner | The Toy, Goonies, Lethal Weapon, The Omen and Superman. Not one of those movies are alike. |
| Trey Parker | He’s a God. Trust me! Ever heard of South Park? Takes different approaches to the anime. |
| David Zucker | Airplane! The Naked Gun! And he writes! |
| Mike Nichols | And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. Oh, and he performed improv with the guy who created SCTV. |
| Clips of the Week |
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| Short & Straight Golfer of the Week | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Harold from Brecksville, OH | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Color of the Month |
| "Alice Blue" |
| Golf Fact of the Week |
| When you're a southpaw golfer and need to borrow a club from a right handed partner, learn to play right handed before coming out on the course, therefore allowing you to be able to fully utilize the right handed club. |
| Awful Actor Birthdays of the Month |
| Untalented Comedian of the Month |
| John Reap |
| Buzzword of the Month |
| Team Building Events |
| Movie Quote of the Month |
| "Oink, oink my good man!" Jason Lively - European Vacation |
| Awesome Shit Flick Pick of the Week |
| The Wrong Guys - 1988 |
| Advertiser's Word of the Week |
| "Creamy" |
| Office Cheat of the Week |
| 41. You can access blocked websites @ work if you google Yahoo! the site and click “Cached” and then access the site from there. In some cases it unlocks it if you try to enter using a user name and succeed. Note: if you save that homepage for members, once you’ve established a login, in your favorites, you can easily access it later. Or you can just search the site in cached mode the whole time. |
| Quote of the BiWeekly |
| "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war." |
| Company Softball Player of the Week | ||||||||||||||||||
| Eric "The Old Guy" Redman from Bremerton, WA | ||||||||||||||||||
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| MY Anderson Cooper Beat 360 for the Week on cnn.com/360 |
| "I've got a bigger cigar." |
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| "Hi. Can you say KILL WHITEY?" |
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| "You know what-- I'm sorry. Can I borrow a dollar? I can't use anything over a $20 in that snack machine over there. I can't help myself-- I love those milky duds things." |
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| FisherFem of the Month | ||||||||||||||||||
| Monica from Huron, OH | ||||||||||||||||||
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| Streaker of the Week | ||||||||||||||||||
| Erin from Washington, PA | ||||||||||||||||||
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| White Russian Revealings | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Eric from Madison, OH | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Slow 4-Some Assholes Who Wouldn't Let Me Play Through This Week | |||||||||||||
| Pleasant Valley 44256 | |||||||||||||
| Hakeem (47) Risk Insurance Lawyer Handicap 30 Riding |
Larry (33) General Ledger Accountant Handicap 18 Riding |
Eric (36) Mason Handicap 7 Walking |
Walter (57) Unemployed Engineering Contractor Handicap 19 Riding |
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| Golf Cart Girl of the Week | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Amber from Mayfield Hts, OH | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Plus Size Plumpity Plump Plump of the Fatty Fat Friday | |
| Fancy (27) from Frankfurt, Germany | |
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| Question | Answer |
| CC: What was your very first paying job and how long did it take you to get it after you found an agency? | F: My first paying job was for Master Sam's Furniture Department store in East Cleveland off of St. Clair and I booked it the day after the year and half anniversary of my contract. |
| CC: How often do you work? | F: Before 9/11, I was working on average once a bi-yearly during off-season seasonal time. |
| CC: Have you worked overseas or abroad? | F: I haven't been fortunate enough to travel afloat yet, although there has been some interest from some German clients so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this season. |
| CC: Is being a plus size model as exciting as you thought it would be? | F: It didn't really sink in until I went home for Christmas this year. The newspaper my brother makes for the family did a story on me and I was recognized when I went out into the kitchen. That was a bit surreal, I kept thinking "I'm nobody!" but when you come from a small town and everyone stays there forever, it means something when someone does leave to follow their dreams. The best part was when a group of my sisters who were all bigger approached me and told me that seeing me in a catalogue made them feel beautiful because their bodies looked like mine. That is exciting, knowing that in some way you're impacting people's lives in a positive way. |
| CC: What has been your most exciting or intimidating experience as a model? | F: Not long after I started last season I was at a casting for a Chilean catalogue. There were about 200 girls there who were a size 3 and one of me. Thankfully another plus model arrived and we started talking, she looked familiar but it didn't click until I looked at her book. I blurted out, "Oh my God! You're Barbara Brickner! It's so nice to meet you, I'm a huge fan!"&nbs; She just laughed and said thank you and graciously pretended not to notice what a dork I was :-). The next thing I know I'm surrounded by Kayla Laurene, Liis and Ginger. three of the biggest names in the plus world. Needless to say I managed to get through the rest of the casting and before I left stumbled through a star struck speech about how they were such an inspiration to me. That has probably been my dorkiest and yet the coolest moment as of yet because that was when it really started to feel real fatty fat. |
| CC: What advice would you give to the aspiring/beginning plus-size model? | F: The fashion industry is fiercly competitive where unobtainable ideals are the standard. Plus I mean, we're overweight so there's not too much going on for us. So my advice is: 1. Be honest with yourself and realistic in your goals. EAT EAT EAT! 2. Be prepared to be rejected. A LOT! EAT EAT EAT! 3. LISTEN to what other models, EAT EAT EAT!, agents, stylists, photgraphers, EAT, or any industry professional has to say. 4. Remember, you agent works for you so don't let anyone take control of your career away from you; unless it's Lil' Debbie. |
| CC: How has PlusModels influenced your career or helped you out? | F: PlusModels was instrumental in starting my career. This site is where I located the addresses and how to's for my mass mailing to the agencies. I gained a good deal of invaluable knowledge from the other models and photgraphers on this site in regard to handling situations and making decisions because they'd already "been there" and "done that". And the food there is grrrrreat! |
| CC: What are your long term goals in the industry? | F: I would love to maintain a modeling career for as long as possible, however my passion is performing, my cellulite and I'm hoping this will be a means to an end in regard to my B movie acting career. The contacts and networking modeling affords me are truly an invaluable resource to event parties with a lot of foreign fancy food and the ability to blow coke when I want. |
| CC: Ho-Hos or Twinkies? | F: Peanut Butter and Chocolate Fudge from the Sportsman Show. |
| CC: Sprees or Chewy Sprees? | F: Chewy Sprees. |
| CC: Porn in the Future: | F: Future? |
| eBay Item of the Week |
| World Famous Flying Pig Monopoly Piece |
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| Canadian Product of the Year |
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| Skymall Gadet of the Month | |
| Gear : Virtual Keyboard | Laymans : Virtual Keyboard | |
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| GILF of the Decade |
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| Obsurd Object Porn # 4 |
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| Naked Golfer of the Year |
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| Drunk Tattoo Moments in History # 487 |
| The Mountain Dew Can |
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| Comic Strips |
| Tyra Does it Again! M.Warzel |
      
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| Sergio Garcia is Totally Gay.. I've Got Proof (beta) M Warzel |
    
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| Shakira Learns of a Thing Called "Talent" M.Warzel |
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